There have been a few times in life, when circumstances have caused me to reflect upon my own Mortality. It may have spurned from attending a friend’s funeral or learning that someone I know has a terminal illness. This train of thought has always been a source of great discomfort for me and one from which I have often shied away. Life has a funny way however, of sometimes bringing you face to face with that which you fear the most. Along this journey of being a ‘heart mom’, I have often been affronted with the very tenuous, very frail state of my daughter Mila’s own Mortality. With every hospital visit, clinic check-up and heart surgery, this thought and fear is revisited afresh. There, I’ve said it. I have addressed my own big white elephant in the room which is my mind…my daughter’s life span. Whew, it took a lot out of me to say that!
The dichotomy of worlds inside and outside a hospital is amazing, with respect to how one’s mortality is viewed and discussed. Doctors can sometimes be ruthless in their delivery of a diagnosis or risks associated with your child’s procedure; but I understand they always want to present the worst case scenario, so us parents can be ‘prepared’ for any eventuality. Spouses, friends and family on the other hand, do everything in their power to avoid the subject, for fear of causing any additional distress and worry. Bless your hearts, this is appreciated more than you know! Ironically, I feel as if I’m the only one who should speak about this, on my own terms, in my own time, if ever. Contemplating my child’s mortality may seem controversial to some, it may even be viewed as a big faux pas; and I must admit that before this experience, it might have seemed a bit tragic to me. Now I see nothing wrong with being open and honest about this fear, about recognizing it for what it truly is – a feeling, an emotion; and transcending it by way of faith and hope, while all the time being kind to and patient with myself.
This is a perspective I would have thought myself incapable of elocuting even a year ago. Oh I’ve grown in this journey, to the point where I can now confront this deep fear, embrace it, release it without judgment, and by doing that, virtually find a sense of freedom, a spiritual napalm and peace with it! This is no easy feat by ANY means, but rather a perpetual sojourn of faith building and practice. I truly believe that God does not intend to harm us, but to enlarge and prosper us. I believe He has a divine plan that will always have our best interest at heart. I find solace in that belief. I find peace in it and I hope you do too. So when my mind strays to thoughts of Mortality, whether that of my own or of my child; while I will not dwell on it, I no longer run away from it. After all, if we cannot be happy in spite of our difficulties, then what good is our spiritual practice? With that said, I acknowledge these thoughts with a respectful awareness, I face them boldly and refuse to be limited or immobilized by them. I refuse to stop living and to stop enjoying my daughter as a result of them! Paradoxically, I cherish each moment with her and truly experience the blessing she is even more intensely as a result. This makes her every smile, coo, breath, milestone, a magical, mystery ride.
My mantra is “God’s will be done!” This is my approach to all things in life and now, to all things ‘Mila’. So instead of approaching each doctor’s visit, surgery date, outlook for her future with fear and apprehension, I now set forth my good intention, which is “God’s will be done!” With this outlook, nothing is really a setback or a disappointment, because I know God is having his way in the circumstance and I can stand firmly in that conviction. I am enlargening my perspective on the Big ‘M’! It now transcends Mortality. The big ‘M’ is:
♥ Mighty Conqueror
All of which hold even greater power, through Christ who strengthens me!
I have made my peace with Mortality!